Welcome to the jungle. Wild & exotic truths, semi-truths and lots of lush exaggeration. ....Celia
Thursday, May 22, 2003
This is Mickey. He looks like an ordinary Yorkie (except for the creepy eyes), but he is actually an alien. In the eight years he has deigned to inhabit our planet, we have caught him communicating with the mothership, and engaging in alien worship, which involves anything to do with pizza. He knows when the pizza guy is coming, and we cannot figure out how. We have gone outside to make the call ordering pizza, and refrained from writing a check or getting out money, but he still knows. The minute our pizza order enters the pizza delivery system, he is on red alert by the front door, and starts to whimper when the pizza delivery vehicle is precisely 90 seconds away from our driveway. He will engage in the lowest sort of base, sly behavior to ensure he gets his share of "pizza bones."
We keep waiting for someone to beam him up, but so far it hasn't happened. Maybe there is a pizza shortage on his home planet. posted by Celia 3:23 PM
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
Big Dragon is Watching You
The Chinese government strikes another blow for fascism. Things like this really piss me off. (I'm posting this again because I discovered the "Forbes" link no longer led anywhere. This one is to "Reuters," and so far is still there.) Why didn't I hear about this four months ago? Did anyone else? posted by Celia 11:22 AM
Monday, May 19, 2003
My 100 "Things About Me" Dedicated to Radmila: Because I Can Do Anything She Sets Her Mind To....
1) I am female.
2) ....a HUNDRED things? Are you kidding me?
3) Um...damn, this is hard.
4) I love Ben 'n' Jerry's ice cream, but hate their politics, ergo, now I can't eat their ice cream, which really sucks. Not the ice cream; the fact that I can't eat it.
5) I am married, or at least the guy who blows into town once a week or so says he's my husband.
6) I have a kid, so there must be a male around somewhere, right?
7) On the other hand, I do all the housework AND all the yard work, so what's up with that?
8) I am computer challenged and felt pretty good about this blog, till I saw BeerMary's and Gabby's. 9) I will keep slogging away at it anyway.
10) "Slogging Away" is my middle name.
11) If laundry were counted in the GNP, our household could drive the number up 2 points.
12) My husband is a wonderful man, but he changes clothes more often than Madame Pompadour on a whimsical day.
13) I cannot believe my life has become so circumscribed that I just found two things on my mind about laundry.
14) I love to read, and used to get so caught up in it people would stand in front of me screaming my name and I wouldn't look up.
15) I'm much better now.
16) I once was a bill collector.
17) I actually ended up liking it. It was like being a financial advisor, only for broke people.
18) I can sing every "Wiggles" song. Also the "Pooh" theme song.
19) My daughter said "Pooh" before she said "Mama."
20) My idea of a perfect day is alone with a good book, no chores, and a pitcher of Margaritas.
21) My idea of a perfect evening is hanging out with good friends and drinking Margaritas.
22) God, I am the most boring person on earth!
23) If I could have a parallel life, I'd be a foreign press reporter. At least I'd have a fascinating "100 things."
24) I may have to kill Radmila!
25) I love old houses, old trees, old people, old photos and old habits.
26) I have a birthmark on the bottom of my right foot. (In case you ever have to identify my body.)
27) I am addicted to the History Channel.
28) I am irritated by people who don't understand why history is important to the present.
29) People who can't make up their minds annoy me.
30) People who can make up their minds, but are illogical in their reasoning really annoy me.
31) I think you can measure a person's character by how they treat the waitress and how they tip.
32) I don't get asked out to eat very often.
33) I am wondering, now that people live longer, when mid-life crisis is supposed to occur. I don't want to miss that, too.
34) I wrote really bad poetry, filled with teenaged angst, when I was a teenager.
35) Now if I had to write anything with angst, it would have to involve laundry.
36) I learned to give myself shots.
37) I learned I'd rather give them to someone else.
38) My favorite movie is "True Romance." Or "Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang." Or maybe "The Great Escape."
39) Guess I don't really have a favorite movie.
40) Self-disclosure makes me queasy.
41) My favorite song is "If I Had a Million Dollars." No, really.
42) I don't understand where dust comes from.
43) Where I grew up, everyone called every soft drink, "Coke." As in, "What kinda Coke you want?" This was before they had more than one flavor.
44) Where I grew up, we put peanuts in our Cokes, yum-yum.
45) One of the houses I grew up in was across the street from Graceland. Elvis used to come out in the front yard on his golf cart when he was home.
46) We would get a Slurpy from the 7/11, drink it, unfold the cup and get his autograph on the white paper inside.
47) We would run into Elvis' Uncle Vern at the Big Star grocery store, and he made us take an autographed photo (of him) every time.
48) We didn't know it was a big deal, so we threw out all the cups and photos when we moved.
49) God, if only we'd had Ebay then. Or all those cups and stuff now. 50) I have to stop and go fix a peanut butter and banana sandwich right now.
51) That first, corner piece of pie is the best bite.
52) I wish I had some pie right now.
53) Now I have to go make a pie.
54) No, first I have to finish this dumb list.
55) I am afraid to jump out of an airplane, but I went rapelling off a 400 foot cliff. Well, beer was involved.
56) It wasn't so bad after it was too late for anybody to pull me back up. I did it three times. Did I mention, beer was involved?
57) I don't care what anybody says, dogs go to heaven.
58) I can get ready for the day in 20 minutes flat.
59) I'd rather take an hour and a half.
60) I love to sleep, but I think it's a waste of time.
61) I can't imagine life after me.
62) I hate commuting, but love to drive.
63) I don't understand why no one will pay me to do something I like.
64) Does the world really have enough food critics and copy-editors?
65) This list is worse than those papers we had to write in school about "How I Spent My Summer Vacation."
66) I spent my summer vacations with whichever wife my dad was currently married to, watching soap operas and learning to smoke.
67) My teachers never thought this was funny.
68) I'm so full of pb&b sandwich I don't want to make pie now. But I might want some later, then I'd already have it...
69) I think my car mechanic lies to me.
70) I think I can feel my IQ dropping.
71) I think I should have used less peanut butter on my sandwich.
72) God, will this never end?
73) I was engaged four times. This really bugs my husband, despite the fact I actually married him. 74) Yes, I gave back the rings.
75) These were the only times I had trouble saying "no." About anything.
76) I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue.
77) I have been to four "Ripley's Believe It or Not's."
78) I have been to four other countries. Given how many there are, that really bugs me; what if I miss something?
79) I have an irrational prejudice against people who say "supposably" and "ekcetera."
80) The phrase "I have went" literally makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck.
81) I have been an insurance filer, a taxi driver, a bartender, an emergency medical technician, a bill collector, a credit card company supervisor, a nanny, a urologists' assistant, a print shop manager, a college student, a free-lance artist and a security dispatcher for a World's Fair.
82) Shoot, I could have gotten more milage out of #81.
83) People seem to think I can't focus.
84) Okay, I can't focus long. 85) Well, I'm focusing long enough to get this #@%&* thing done!
86) I have trouble throwing out things I don't need.
87) Every time I do throw something I don't need out, I need it the next day.
88) Since I started this list, I have:
a) changed a poopy diaper
b) fixed two lunches
c) shared one lunch
d) answered three phone calls
e) answered six emails
f) gotten the real mail
g) read "Goodnight Moon" aloud
h) paid two bills
i) folded a load of laundry
j) let the dogs out twice
k) fed the dogs
l) gone to look at a house my mom might buy
m) washed dishes
n) changed videos
o) colored two pages in a "Peanuts" coloring book
p) made a bed
q) admired my daughter's latest hieroglyphics
r) wished for a Rosetta stone
s) sorted more laundry
t) pulled out the stuff for pecan pie
u) pulled out the stuff to fix dinner
v) taped the earpieces back on two pairs of kids' sunglasses
w) scanned in one photo
x) examined my new ratchetting screwdriver
y) wiped up spilt milk
z) wondered why the hell I never seem to get anything done
89) I have a weakness for the color yellow.
90) Are we there yet?
91) I hate cheaters.
92) However, cheaters do prosper.
93) I love people who are passionate about something, anything.
94) Passionate people are exhausting though.
95) Whoever thought up this "100 things" list stuff, anyway?
96) I think I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I don't care if it's a train.
97) Naps make me cranky for hours afterward.
98) I think I may take one after this though, 'cause I'm already cranky.
99) I think the phrase "Pro sports" is an oxymoron.
100)Now that I'm done with this, I'm thinking of all sorts of witty, brilliant things to say.