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{Friday, June 06, 2003}

Meet Barbie, the Many-Striped Hypocrite

This is Barbra. She has some ideas about how to conserve energy. As a responsible person concerned with the conspicuous consumption she sees all around her, she has some tips for us about how we, too, can be better and more responsible Americans:

-Turn up your thermostat to 78 degrees when you're home, and 85 degrees when you're out.
-Avoid running your appliances during the peak hours of 4pm to 6pm.
-Use warm or cold water to wash clothes and try to line dry as much as possible.
-Only run your dishwasher when it is fully loaded and air-dry your dishes instead of using the dry cycle.
-Turn off appliances and lights when they are not in use.
-Turn off the television when you leave the room and turn off your computer at the power strip when you're not using it.
-Replace your air conditioner filters, seal and caulk doors and windows that might leak, and buy energy-efficient products like Energy Star Light Bulbs.

Now, I looked for one of those well-known pictures of Barbra caulking her doors and windows, changing to energy efficient light bulbs, and out on her porch using an old-fashioned washboard and hanging her sheets out to dry, but----oddly---couldn't find any. This was the only one I could find where you could see her face, because her foot wasn't jammed in her mouth.

From Merriam-Webster Dictionary:
Main Entry: hyp·o·crite
Pronunciation: 'hi-p&-"krit
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English ypocrite, from Old French, from Late Latin hypocrita, from Greek hypokritEs actor, hypocrite, from hypokrinesthai
Date: 13th century
: a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion

Do we really have to listen to this shit from a woman who spent $1 million on her 1998 wedding; is a Jewish millionaire who puts out Christmas CD's for fun and profit; vilifies the Republican party money-grubbers, while owning 800 shares of Halliburton (a "greedy, evil" oil company once run by Dick Cheney, like the ones she asserts were "forcing the war in Iraq on us") and 300 shares of Clear Channel, which syndicates Rush Limbaugh’s radio show; owns climate-controlled homes all over the world; and now wants to use taxpayer money to stop an environmental group from having aerial pictures of her tacky and enormous Malibu beach spread included in the hundreds of others they have of the California coast?

I don't think so. Bite me, Barbie!

posted by Celia 1:23 PM

{Thursday, June 05, 2003}

720,000 Things About Me (Dedicated to Sara, Who is Addicted to These Lists)

You'll all be happy to know that my long sabbatical was due to my making a list of "720,000 Things About Me," due to popular request.

Nah, I'm kidding..ha ha.

I won't bore you with the various home maintenence/improvement crud that I've been doing, except to say it's a great quick-weight-loss program if you ever care to try it in May/June in Florida!

What with the Israeli/Palestinian possible-maybe-this-time-gee-don't-we-hope Peace Process, Martha Stewart's latest skirmish over fifty grand, and other grave world events, I had some trouble concentrating on a little drama out on my deck, but nonetheless found it worthy of documentation.

You see, one of my projects was power-washing and sealing the decks, and in the course of this weighty enterprise, decided it was time to overcome my aversion to bug-harrassment (A truce where all bets are off if the bug in question is actually in my house or biting me, or a mosquito of any stripe.) and sweep all the spiders and webs out of a corner near the door up by the soffit. There were four. Spiders, that is. So I swept them down and off and went on about my business for an hour, when I came back for a break and....hey, three of them were right back up there, spinning away. Huh?

So I did it again, and this time I watched them. Immediately, each of the three scrambled back to it's eight little feet and scaled the wall again, and started spinning away. So I did it again, and again watched them. And they did it again. Hmm. One bigger fat gal went at it with particular alacrity, as though this was all in a day's work. She had had an egg sac (blech) which I ruthless carried all the way across the yard and deposited by the fence. I know we need spiders, but do we need them by the door?

So this time, I caught them on the broom and carried them to the other end of the house. There, done! I went on about my business, finished up for the day, went inside and forgot all about it.

The next morning, I went outside to have my coffee and, holy cow! There was that fat spider again, up there like nothing untoward had happened, resting in a little web and once again minding her own business.

Probably I've been hopelessly affected by "Charlotte's Web," but I left her alone and drank my coffee. I didn't see any words, like "Radiant" or "Humble" ---or even "Persistent" written in the web, but what the hay, she's catching mosquitos, right?
posted by Celia 11:28 AM


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